Maladjusted?

Why I will miss Essex

with 3 comments

So I’m on the verge of moving house again.  Back to the ‘Big Smoke’ – or London as it is generally referred to nowadays..and where I lived up until a year ago when I was convinced by V that living in Essex would be a really good thing.

Living here has been an experience…and credit where credit is due to V, I will miss living here.  The same way that I miss going to the dentist, or gastric flu.

I would explain what Essex is like, but I thought it would be best illustrated by the below list.  (which has been blatantly plagiarised from existing lists on the web!)

Where appropriate, I have also added some comments…and please note:  if anyone starts getting offended, I was actually born in Essex.  It’s a cross I have to bear, and the only relief I get is being able to mock the place.

So…

Welcome to Essex!

Welcome to Essex!

…You Know You’re From Essex When:

– You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

– Hordes of hooded hooligans are common sights to you

– You’ve considered stabbing someone.

– You have 27 different take away menus next to your telephone.

– You have a minimum of five “worst cab ride ever” stories.

– You have a criminal record

– If you don’t then you should

– You’ve been threatened with a cricket bat before

– You collect Asbos (Anti Social Behaviour Order)

– You know if you like rock music you’re as good as dead

– You’re suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.

– Your door has more than three locks.

– You say “the city” and expect everyone to know which one. (If you are in Essex this always mean London)

– You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

– You know what Bas Vegas is. (Another name for Basildon.  One of the bleakest places on earth)

– You haven’t heard the sound of true absolute silence since 1977, and when you did, it terrified you.

– You’ve heard every Essex girl joke under the sun and they still aren’t funny, just disgusting. (more about Essex Girl Jokes)

– You overuse the word ‘mate’ to complete strangers.

– You say ‘you what?’ a lot.

– People think you are ‘posh’ (i.e. upper class) because you don’t have a tattoo.

– Even when abroad people laugh at you when you tell them you are from Essex.

– You talk in cockney sometimes to see if people actually understand it

– You go out wearing a top that doesn’t cover your belly…or belly button.

– You pronounce Essex ‘Essix’.

– You have no idea where the North of England is.

– You say “You know wot i mean” a lot!

– When an Essex girl tells another girl they’re from Essex they get a dirty look, but when you tell a bloke and they smile!!!

– You describe attractive people as “a rite sort” or “well fit…!!!”

– You can spot an Essex boy because he’s got the tribal band tattoo on his arm

– Blacked our windows on a Ford Focus are typical.

– Anyone not from Essex is a ‘wanker

– You don’t hear sirens anymore.

– Anyone from outside Essex and north of the Watford Gap is a ‘Northern Wanker’

– You call an 8′ x 10′ plot of patchy grass a garden.

– Hookers and the homeless are invisible

– You drive your modified car to the 24hr McDonalds to show how cool you are.

– You’ve been taken on a date to McDonalds with someone in a modified car.

And if you do accidentally find yourself in Essex for any reason, here is a quick guide to the local language:

INNIT- Definition:  Isn’t it.

EFTY – Definition:  Considerable. “Ere, Trace, this credit card bill’s a bit efty.”

EJOG – Definition:  A small, spiky animal (hedgehog).

FINGY – Definition:  A person or object whose name doesn’t come to mind. “I ad it off wiv fingy last night.” (Thingy)

FONG – Definition:  Skimpy undergarment. (Thong)

HAITCH – Definition:  Letter of the alphabet between G and I.

ALRITE DARLING – Definition:  Hello miss

LEVVA – Definition:  Material made from the skin of an animal.

PACIFIC – Definition:  Specific.

ROOFLESS – Definition:  Without compassion.

SAWTED – Definition:  Done, arranged, resolved. (sorted)

WANNED UP – Definition:  Tense. i.e.”I’m all wanned up at the moment.”

WELFIE- Definition:  Rich. (wealthy)

SAFF – Definition:  South.

FARRRRRRK OOUFF – Definition:  Go away!

GAF- Definition:  House

WEBBATS – Definition:  Querying the location. (Where Abouts?)

CORT A PANDA – Definition:  A rather large hamburger (quarter pounder)

AWSS- Definition:  Horse

BRANNA – Definition:  ‘Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?’

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Written by Lores

January 28, 2009 at 9:27 am

3 Responses

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  1. Im not british, but I found this funny haha
    I was googling for chav pics to show my friends.
    then your pic came upp
    good one mate.

    AH

    April 21, 2009 at 5:09 pm

  2. […] Bird Flu is similar to Swine Flu but only really affects women in Essex.  Can be avoided by simply not going to the county in the first place, or fraternising with anyone from Essex (particularly chavs) […]

  3. haha really funny thanks!

    lolz

    March 16, 2010 at 3:35 pm


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