Maladjusted?

Sorrys, Promises, and why I am about as useless as they come…

with 5 comments

Firstly, I need to say sorry for not updating my blog of late.  I have been really slack of late, but my work has been amazingly busy – trying to get funding for our community project in today’s economic climate is tricky and time consuming to say the least.

Secondly…Sorry to everyone who has given me supportive message about quitting smoking and drinking. 

Stress.  Boredom.  Call it what you will…but I fell of the wagon in spectacular fashion.  I smoked about 20 ciggies and got stonkingly drunk.

I have remained free and clear again since then (4 days), but it was such a ridiculous thing to do…which leads me to my finaly sorry.  The sorry to myself for letting myself down. 

I wish I could write more about how I’m feeling about all of this, but I’m running short on time, so I will have to promise a longer blog post another day.

I am useless

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Written by Lores

February 18, 2009 at 4:54 pm

5 Responses

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  1. Hey Lores….

    Dont beat yourself up. Glad to hear you are doing well.

    You have experienced some recovery and had a setback. Hey…. I was clean and sober almost a year when I unexpectedly went back out.

    Looking back, I don’t know that it didnt have to happen. There was certainly value in it. Now, I am years clean and sober and part of what keeps me this way is knowing how cunning my disease is.

    YOu dont sound like an alcoholic to me. Your alcohol-consuming behaviour does not sound severe. So it is not on the same scale as what others of us deal with. Be grateful for that.

    And remember, addictions of any kind including smoking cannot be beat without help. Not that I have seen or experienced anyway. So seek out the help you need. And that sometimes only comes about through trial and error. Which I suppose is not even error at all. It is trying different things until we find what works.

    Also… addiction is not a moral failing. Addiction is a habit of some kind that moves beyond our ability to control by our individual will alone. More peopel are addicted to more things than most realize.

    So give yourself a break. If you want to quit booze and smoking, you can with the neccessary help. These blogs may be part of that. They may not be enough. Try adding other things.

    Anyway…. Just checking in with you.

    Take care and See ya on the blogs.

    Ciao.

    Chaz

    Chaz

    February 27, 2009 at 4:49 am

    • Hi Chaz,

      As usual, your comments are profound and to the point. Thanks for sharing.

      I think sometimes I feel a bit sorry for myself – I suppose because of my failures more than anything else! Having experienced alcoholism first hand with my parents (update about my dad coming soon), I realise that I am not an alcoholic. However, I do know that dependency can creep up on you…and I worry that I have a genetic predesposition to alcohol misuse.

      Anyway, I’m back on the wagon for both smoking and drinking, and I’m entering the Berlin marathon as an incentive to get training and be healthy.

      See you on the blogs and thanks again!

      Lores

      Lores

      March 2, 2009 at 11:19 am

  2. Hey Lores….

    Speaking for myself…. I put a foot on the slipery slope of alcoholism becasue there was a ton in my background. It took me a while to ramp up to full-on active alcoholism but when it took hold, it sure did have a hold.

    So from one adult child of an alcoholic to another…. I endorse your cautionary stance. I never thought it would happen to me but it appears it was indeed a problem waiting to happen.

    I am so glad to report however that my journey out of the depths of alcoholism have paid the most amazing dividends. It had improved every area of my life.

    So my suggestion is to take is seriously before it becomes a problem. Have you ever been to an ACOA meeting…. (adult children of alcoholics?)

    ciao.

    Chaz

    Chaz

    March 3, 2009 at 12:44 am

    • Hi Chaz,

      That’s really interesting, I hadn’t heard of ACOA before…I’ve book marked their website though, and will have a read during my lunch break.

      I don’t know whether children of alcoholics are genetically predisposed to alcoholism themselves or whether it is psychological. All I know is that I am a nightmare if I drink too much. In Britain we have a big binge drinking culture (i.e. a week’s drinking on 1 or 2 nights per week), but I find it very difficult to stop at a couple of drinks anyway. Does that put me on the slippery slope? Perhaps…but perhaps not. I just don’t want to take that chance.

      And I applaud your strength to get off of that slippery slope. I know from my mother’s experience that it takes great determination, and also strength of character.

      I’ll check out ACOA and let you now how I get on

      Best

      Lores 🙂

      Lores

      March 3, 2009 at 10:15 am

  3. Lores….

    ACOA recognizes that there are certain consistencies amongst children who grow up in alcoholic households. Many of us end up playing the role of parent or caregiver from a very young age due to the effects of the alcoholic parent.

    This was the case with me. For as long as I remember, I have compensated for my father’s alcoholic behaviour and scurried around his moods and actions. My sister and I often felt held hostage sitting on the couch as my Dad sat on one of the living room chairs and blathered on and on in one of his drunken orations about how the world should work.

    Sound familiar? I bet this story comes close to something you have experienced.

    This one dynamic alone was enough to have a lasting effect on my life. I had had a tendancy to let people go on and on when I was not really able to listen….. I had practiced it over many years when I was a kid sitting accross from my Dad. Affraid to say I was bored out of my mind or had no freakin clue why the “upper house” of the Canadian Parliament was a redundant level of government…. I was only 11 for crying out loud!!!

    So imagine all of the conditioning you and I and others have had over the years from receiving this barage of alcoholic behaviours that our friends with “normal” parents did not have.

    Or the mere observing of the relationship dynamics between our subserviant mothers and drunk tyrant Dads. What messages did that send deep into our little subconsciences as we were growing up?

    For me, it taught me that if you are not getting what you want it is ok to rage. I hated doing it but somehow it got programmed in. It was also ok to go silent for hours or days at a time. I also hated this but I did it because that is what I learned by observation.

    So how many more things did we inadvertently learn through this conditioning of our upbringing? Did some of us learn to drink? I did.

    I swore up and down that I would never drink like my Dad. I hated being around alcoholics. Yet, somehow it got programmed in deeply that when the going gets tough, the tough go drinking.

    In spite of all of the head knowledge against alcoholism or distaste for the behaviour of alcoholics, I still went there. As did many other alcoholics I know.

    So… my friend…. ya, the slope is pretty damn slippery for us children of alcoholics. Based on the examples that were in front of us much of our formative years. If your experience was anything like mine and you enjoy drinking… I think the writing is on the wall that at the very least, the slope is a very dangerous place for you.

    And who knows if there is a genetic component or not. It doesnt much matter how we got to our problem…. it matters more what we are prepared to do about it.

    So please be cautious and wise. Be rigorously honest with someone in your life who can help. Why not go to an ACOA meeting or AA meeting and talk to someone if you are concerned about yourself.

    I got to the point where I couldnt control my drinking anymore, even when desperate.

    I hope these insights are helpful.

    Ciao.

    Chaz

    Chaz

    March 5, 2009 at 12:01 am


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