Maladjusted?

My Guide to Swine Flu and Other Farmyard Ailments

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There is a lot of confusing information out there about health, especially following the recent Swine Flu outbreak.

So I have taken it upon myself to produce a no nonsense guide to Swine Flu and a whole host of other farmyard ailments, that you may – or may not – have heard about.  

Swine Flu

Swine Flu has received a lot of press coverage recently following outbreaks in Mexico.  Usually just affects male chauvanists.  Symptoms include coming out in ‘rashers’ and ‘crackling’ in the ears.  [sorry I couldn’t resist] Take advice on how to avoid contracting Swine Flu

Bird Flu

Bird Flu is similar to Swine Flu but only really affects women in Essex.  Can be avoided by simply not going to the county in the first place, or fraternising with anyone from Essex (particularly chavs)

Chicken Pox

Chicken Pox aka The bane of school children everywhere.  Can you still remember the burning itch and then the soothing comfort that only camomile lotion could provide?  Of course you can.  You can’t catch this ailment from chickens nor pass it onto chickens, however, legend has it that if you have had it once, you can never catch it again…

Cock Pox

Cock Pox is a lesser known farmyard ailment, and is a variation of chicken pox that only affects one area of the body.  To avoid catching this ailment avoid intimate contact with poultry. 

Horse Cough

If you were to catch a cough from a farmyard animal, I imagine a horse would be one of the worst ones.  Its the teeth that do it. 

Sheep Dip

I’ll leave the details of this one to your imagination…suffice to say that there are laws against this practice in most European countries. 

 

[Legal Notice:  While I am not a medical practitioner per say, my formal medical qualifications do include the First Aid Badge from the Girl Guides when I was 7]

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