How to be the Ultimate Morrissey Fan

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Today is a special anniversary.  Yes.  Morrissey’s birthday.

MozzaIt has been over 30 years since he leapt into our collective consciousness with his band The Smiths – influencing moody teenagers everywhere to become even more moodier and belligerent.

At 50 years of age, Morrissey is almost a parody of himself – but you still have to love him (note:  you don’t just ‘like’ Morrissey, you ‘love’ Morrissey).

There are varying degrees of Morrissey obsession (or “Mozza Mania” as I like to call it), so how do you know if someone is a real fan of the Pope of Mope or just a fair weather ’emo’ wanting a piece of the ‘tortured artist’ pie?

Is being a Morrissey fan “…just something you are, or something you do…?”   Well, to help make this decision, I have compiled my essential guide to being a bona fina Morrissey fan.  Judge for yourself.


1 :  A True Fan will Know Everything there is to Know About Morrissey 

Essential first step to being a serious Morrissey fan is to know your stuff.  Its simply not enough to be able to name a couple of albums and know that he is a vegetarian. 

A true fan will know all essential information – and this includes learning by rote every song lyric and release date of each album / LP. 

Essential resource:  Morrissey’s Website for all facts and news regarding the quiffed one. 


2 :  A True Fan will be a Vegetarian

morrisseymeatNo ifs or buts.  Meat is Murder.  And if you are allergic to vegetables or fruit, starvation is an acceptable alternative. 


3 :  A Real Morrissey Fan will Wear Morrissey

“I would go out tonight…but I haven’t got a stitch to wear” is not relevant to a true fan.  A Morrissey t-shirt or a Smiths t-shirt is essential wear.  And if you cannot afford to buy one, just make your own like these dedicated deciples.   

A true fan will not limit their obsession to badly made t-shirts – but will branch out into other accessories such as  laptop cases  and belts too. 

put some clothes on

Remember, its impossible to completely emulate the style genius himself, but a true fan will try.  An ’emo’ or ‘Mozza Fan Faker’ will think that Jarvis Cocker  made NHS specs and cardigans cool.  This is not so – a real fan knows that Morrissey was setting the trend when Jarvis was still getting his head flushed down the loo at school. 

Any faker can go get a quiff, buy the glasses, and wear skinny jeans, but a real fan will also have an old bike and have some gladioli hanging out their back pocket as well. 


4 : A True Fan will have a Shrine to the Quiffed One

 No self respecting Morrissey fan hasn’t drawn a picture of the beauty that is Stephen M.  So don’t be shy – share your crazed scribblings with the rest of the fan base – even if it is drawn in blood.  (As you can see by some of the pictures here on “Draw Morrissey” lack of skill can be make up for by enthusiasm)  And once finished, why not mount your picture in a hand crafted aluminium frame?


5 : A True Fan will Eat Morrissey

Take inspiration from these gutsy fans who have taken obsession to the next level with their MozCakes, allowing them to literally eat Morrissey. 


6 : A True Fan will Sleep Morrissey

 “Sing me to sleep…I’m tired and I want to go to bed”   Yes, this Smiths Pillow Cover is an essential buy for the “die-hard” fan. 

A true Morrissey fan will obviously shun all human affection, but cuddling up to a Morrissey Doll is an allowable alternative. 


7:  A True Fan will know Everything There is to Know about The Smiths

the-headmaster-ritualBecause a real fan will never know when they may enter a conversation with another fan who may know more about the subject of The Smiths than they do.   Key points to remember at all times are: Morrissey is God and Johnny Marr isn’t (although he is a good guitarist) Essential resource:   The Smiths Fansite


8 : A True Fan will Know What Others are Saying about the Man

Mad About Morrissey ? All fans of Morrissey profess to be experts of the ‘great one’ – but who can really claim to know him?  A real fan will make sure they keep on top of fellow fans obsessive rants


9 :  A Real Fan will Protect Morrissey to the Death 

Know your enemy– not everyone appreciates the wonder of Morrissey and The Smiths.  A truly dedicated follower will research enemies of Moz and make sure they leave poignant comments on their blog posts, and stick pins into homemade voodoo dolls of the heretics. 


10 : A True Fan will Celebrate Morrissey

Finally, its just not true that all Morrissey fans sit in dark rooms writing poetry (at least not all the time!) 

A real fan will get out there and celebrate their love for the man himself by putting Morrisey tracks on pub juke boxes, going along to a tribute gig, taking part in a Smiths Tour, attending a Morrissey night club or seeing the ‘great one’ live in concert.   (or if you are a ‘Sweet and Tender Hooligan’ why not get some ink done)

Way Hey!  Morrissey mania!


2 Responses

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  1. […] a Morrissey & The Smiths location guide (and no – the gift giver hadn’t read my previous postabout Morrissey-Fan […]

  2. damn…that’s some serious Morrissey action….I’ve got a lot to learn.You’re right about Johnny Marr,of course….there’s no place for him in the firmament.


    August 3, 2009 at 6:54 pm

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