Maladjusted?

Posts Tagged ‘stalker

A facebook detox anyone?

with 4 comments

Hold the front page!  British workforce productivity surges as bored office workers all over the UK are forced into actually doing some work.  Sadly, this isn’t the first signal of the end of the recession – this is the news that Facebook is down…causing panic and confusion for many people who insist on living the majority of their lives virtually.

If you are one of those social media addicts who cannot help but log onto their Facebook account every 10 minutes to update the rest of your friends list with your latest banal thought, or the ‘cute thing’ that your dog/cat/child/boyfriend just did…then I beg you…please please please try not to think too hard about all of those little lost Farmville sheep going unattended, the missed poker games and those holiday snaps of your ex girlfriend which are going unstalked.

You’ll only drive yourself insane and they will probably still be there when they eventually sort the server problem out (unless they’ve deleted your whole virtual kingdom by accident of course…<insert evil laugh here>)

UPDATE:  Facebook came back on…

Advertisements

Written by Lores

August 31, 2010 at 2:58 pm

Posted in My thoughts

Tagged with , , , , , ,

My Ideal Man – or – Why I am holding out for Morrissey

with 5 comments

I was recently asked by a friend what my ‘ideal’ man would be like.  I was also told by the same friend that my token response of ‘like Morrissey’ couldn’t be accepted, and that I had to tell them specific characteristics.  I suppose I had never really thought about whether I had an ‘ideal’ man before – I suppose previously I just ‘liked’ who I ‘liked’.  But, having been posed the question, I decided to give it some serious thought.  So here it is:

My Ideal Man.  By Laura.  Aged 27.

I suppose my ideal man would have to be a little eccentric.  I’m not at all turned on my normality (what’s normal anyway?), but then again, I wouldn’t want someone to be so eccentric that they were bordering on lunatic.  My ideal man would not care too much what other people thought of them, yet not to extent that they forgo bodily hygiene, or to clothe themselves etc.

A good sense of humour is very important in a man I think.  What I mean by ‘good’ sense of humour is someone who laughs at my rubbish jokes, and knows how makes me laugh.  I like a man who doesn’t take himself too seriously, yet…can sometimes take himself somewhat seriously.  After all I like a man to be intellectual, and like nothing more than to be able to debate existentialism or the philosophies of Nietzsche.  But then again, I also like to talk about Eastenders, and the weather, so I wouldn’t really like to a man to be too intelligent either.  Or arrogant.  Sure of himself but not arrogant.

I also quite like a man to be a ‘manly’ man.  That is, someone who knows how to pick up things that are heavy, can fix things like taps, can put up shelves, aren’t afraid of the dead things that Smelly Cat brings in sometimes, and could have a fight if he really wanted to.  Yet, I don’t like a man to be so ‘manly’ that they are the missing link – all testosterone and muscles – that just makes me feel a little sick.  Conversely however, I like reflective, artistic men.  I’m endlessly impressed by creativity, whether that be painting, writing, playing an instrument.  Poetic and interesting are ace.

I quite like thin men to look at – the angular the better, but feel uncomfortable getting down to business with a man who is slimmer than me.  I also quite like men with a bit of meat on their bones you see for the very reason that they tend to be more attractive than thin men.  I don’t like a man who looks like he has never had a good meal (of course ideal man would also need to be able to cook, but only food that I like mainly)  Pale is interesting.  My height or taller – but not freakishly tall like a giant.

My ideal man would also have good hair – ‘good’ as defined by me of course. Short or long, black or blonde, mohawk or skinhead, it doesn’t matter as long as it is good hair.  Bad hair would include comb-overs, friar-tuck bald patches, and the mullet.

I have always been slightly attracted to older men, but not that much older.   My side of 40 please.  Scrap that – I’ve been there and got the t-shirt – I’ll keep them my side of 35 please.  (Unless of course Morrissey asked me for a date, and then I’d make an exception).   I also quite like men with furniture faces – i.e. wear glasses – as I believe glasses make a man look intellectual.  Contact lense wearers are ok too – I’m just a little uncomfortable with 20/20 vision in a man, being that I am blind as a bat myself.

I’m not keen on men who are money / status orientated, as I’m not that way myself I find it all very nauseating.  In fact, the poorer the better in my book. Although, not so poor that I have to buy them food of course. That would be irritating.  Sort of middle ground poverty, if there is such a thing would be ideal.  Time & experience rich but money & assets poor.  I like that.  People who have ‘careers’ in banks/civil service/accountancy/actuarial services just don’t appeal.  Good on them and all that but I’d rather a painter with holes in his shoes than a city boy with a hefty bank balance.

I also quite like a man with tattoos, but only ‘good’ ones – ‘good’ being as defined by me on the day. But then I like a man without tattoos also.  Tattoos optional I think.  My ideal man would also not have an addiction to (or perversion with) any of the following:  hard drugs, hard women, animals, kids, porn, feet, football, sild or booze.

I also like a man to make me feel good about myself.  Complimentary but not sycophantic – i.e. can say the right things but also take the mickey a little.  And who isn’t a creep…

…or in fact a stalker.  I like a man who will give me the space to do the things that I like to do, yet will come running on demand.  Actually, perhaps not on demand, as that would put him back into creep status.  But someone who is there at all the right times.

And obviously, I wouldn’t like a man who was a murderer or any other sort of moral degenerate either.  But I think that goes without saying really.

So in a nutshell my ideal man is someone who:

  • Is not too tall but not short
  • Is funny but serious
  • Is intellectual but not too intellectual
  • Is slim but stocky
  • Is interesting and poetic
  • Is manly and artistic
  • Is complimentary but not sycophantic
  • Wears glasses or contact lenses
  • Tattooed or not tattooed
  • Is eccentric but not lunatic
  • Is older but not too old
  • Can cook the things that I like to eat
  • Isn’t a creep or a stalker
  • Has good hair (as defined by me on the day)
  • Isn’t a pervert
  • Isn’t a murderer

When put like that…I think I’m better off holding out for Morrissey…