Maladjusted?

Posts Tagged ‘Things I find amusing

Hola!

with 2 comments

Hola!!  Como esta??  Como te llama??  Me llama Laura!! 

We don’t need no stiiiiinnkiiiing badges…

No I’m not have a meltdown – I’m going to Cuba.  And in preparation for my epic trip I’m attempting to pick up a few palabras in Spanish.

I’m not feeling hopeful.  In a few weeks of study (CD + spanish lessons at the local college) I have not progressed beyond saying my name, where I’m from and ordering beer…and I suspect that I might need a little more than this in order to get by.

Worryingly I also don’t seem to be able to say anything in Spanish without adopting a comedy ‘hey gringo’ Mexican accent. It’s not intentional – it’s just the way my brain makes spanish words come out of my mouth.  I sound like the Mexican bandit from Blazing Saddles.

So, with less than a  month before I depart, please please please if anyone has any advice on how to get some ‘proper’ Spanish into my thick noggin I’d love to hear it.

Otherwise, I fear that I run the risk of spending two weeks sounding like a racist simpleton with a booze problem.

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Written by Lores

April 16, 2011 at 10:44 am

How To Exclude Yourself from the Job Market…

with 2 comments

A bit bored by a the convoluted recruitment process demanded by one recruitment consultant for a particular vacancy, a friend of mine decided to wind up the recruitment consultant.  The results of which I found extremely funny, so thought I would share here. 

Below is the original email conversation between my friend (Steve*) and ‘Richard’  the recruitment consultant…certain bits have been XXX’d out to protect identity. 

As a job seeker, my friend has a lot of time on his hands…although I fear from the example below that he will remain ‘seeking’ for a while yet…

——————————————————————————–

From:  Richard

To:  Steve

Date:  27 April 2009 12:56

Subject:  Job Application Marketing Officer

 

Dear Applicant

Thank you for forwarding your CV to me in response to the advert on xxxxxxx for the role of Marketing Officer at the xxxxxxx. We have received an unprecedented amount of applications for this post and it has taken longer than anticipated to assess all the CVs. I apologise for the extended delay in replying to you. However, I am delighted to let you know that you have made it through our 1st round CV screening and have been selected for our 2nd round. Because of the high volume of applicants we have decided to add a written task and to offer you the opportunity to show us some of your work.

Task One

Please find attached a Jpeg which comprises an invitation to a student graduation which is being run by one of the organisations in our group. Based on the information available to you, please write a press release of no more than 300 words to be sent to the education trade press. The release should highlight the graduation ceremony as an important event on the education calendar as well as promoting the work of the xxxxx.

Task Two

This is your chance to show us what you are made of. Please submit a portfolio of the work that you are most proud of during either your working life or your studies. It could be written work to show of your literary skills, marketing collateral that you have either written, designed or project managed a marketing plan or a website that you have designed, built or edited. In fact, anything that shows you at your best. Please write a summary to showcase your work and please make it clear the level of involvement you had with these projects and what your responsibilities were. Please be selective with the examples that you send in; make sure that it is a focused collection of the work that really shows off your strongest skills. Please submit your portfolio either electronically in an emailed zip file or by post on a CD-Rom. I would also be happy to receive hard-copy submissions by post, however, I would not be able to return this work to you so please make sure that they are copies. Both tasks should be submitted and received by Wednesday 6th May 2009. Work should be clearly labelled with your name and contact details including your email address.

Late submissions will not be accepted. Successful 2nd round applicants will be contacted during the week beginning 11th May with interviews taking place during the week beginning 18th May. Good luck and I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards Richard xxxxxxx

Marketing and Communications Manager

 ——————————————————————————–

From:  Steve

To:  Richard

Date: 1 May 2009 13:39

Subject:  Re: Job Application Marketing Officer

 

Dear Richard,

I was very happy to read your positive response to my application, considering the unprecedented amount you received. Unfortunately I cannot email you my portfolio neither electronically in an emailed zip file nor by post on a CD-Rom as it comprises of public sector confidential documents or/and paid work for past employers and current clients.

However, I can proceed with the press release you need for this rather exciting graduation ceremony. I am positive we can even receive coverage in the national papers. The press release rate is £90 per page (usually one A4 page) and you will be invoiced as such on the 6th of May.

Kind regards,

Steve

———————————————————————————-

From:  Richard

To:  Steve

Date:  1 May 2009 14:48

Subject:  RE: Job Application Marketing Officer

 

Dear Steve

I think you may have missed the point somewhat. Please do not produce a press release with a view to invoicing us. The writing of this press release is an exercise as part of our recruitment selection process. A process that I fear you may have just excluded yourself from.

Regards Richard

———————————————————————————–

From:  Steve

To:  Richard

Date:  1 May 2009 15:48

Subject:  Re: Job Application Marketing Officer

 

Dear Richard

Thanks for your prompt response and for advising that I am to be excluded from the recruitment selection process. It is great to finally meet someone who appreciates my excellent skills and experience in this area and is sending me ‘straight to the top’ and giving me a reprieve from all those ridiculous exercises recruiters insist on making people do. I don’t mean this against you personally, Richard, as I am sure you were just following the procedures of your HR area. But since we’re now colleagues I feel we should be able to talk frankly on these matters.

I confess to feeling a little hurt initially about your suggestion that I not invoice you for my work. After all, being paid for your time is really what this whole capitalist malarkey is all about. I am no ‘suit’ but Marketing requires a lot of specialist equipment and my colour ink printer alone costs as much as my girlfriend to upkeep (which is a bit less than my wife).

Don’t get me wrong, I love my new job at the xxxx, but sometimes job stimulation is not enough. I know we spoke in the first paragraph about HR areas thinking that we all live in a communist utopia, what with their ‘Task One’ and ‘Task Two’ demands. Then again what do you expect from HR? But Richard – Richard! – I expected more from a Marketing and Communications Manager at xxxx!

The upshot is that after all this thinking, I have some good news which is that given these tough economic conditions I have had a chat to my accountant and we have decided, on this occasion, that I can take on some pro-bono work with a view to full time employment.

However, please don’t let all your other friends know about our secret arrangement otherwise I’ll be spending my time adding digital tears to some Palestinian child for a blanket appeal or bruises to a TfL staff member for their anti violence campaign.

Anyway, you’ll get the press release and a £90 invoice which you won’t have to pay however I will have to ensure that the VAT is correctly acquitted with Her Majesty’s Treasury so you won’t mind me keeping this ‘on the books’ would you? Given certain things in my past I don’t want to go in to, I prefer to keep on the right side of my paperwork.

Regards,

Steve

 

 

*Steve is not my friends real name – as he is still currently still job hunting, and has quite an memorable first name, I thought it best to change to something else!!