Christmas and Alcoholism

Being the adult child of an alcoholic parent can be tough – especially over the Christmas period.

Alcohol is slowly destroying my dad’s health.  On top of the two small strokes he has had this year, the high blood pressure and his irregular heart beat, he now also has gout and a stomach ulcer.  And I have real worries about his mental health.

This Christmas my Dad want’s me to go to his house again.  But after what happened at Christmas last year I’m really not keen.  I know I won’t enjoy the day.  He’ll be drunk by midday, and possibly aggressive again.

But I honestly don’t have it in my heart not to go – and leave him on his own, or leave it to my brother and sister to deal with.

I think this is the weight of being the adult child of an alcoholic – you constantly feel guilty.  Guilty that you can’t help that person, guilty for feeling so angry with them.  Yes, there is part of me that doesn’t want to go there at Christmas – but that part of me also feels so guilty, after all, with the way that his health has deteriorated, this could be his last Christmas.

Alcoholism is an illness, and it doesn’t just affect the person who is an alcoholic.

I am an alcoholic and I need help

I’m not actually an alcoholic.  My father is.  But these are the words that I have been waiting for him to say.

Let me tell you a little bit about my father – he is in his mid-50’s and slowly killing himself.  His excessive alcohol abuse is damaging his health – he is chronically obese, sufferes from gout, high blood pressure and has been diagnosed with diabetes.  He is also damaging his relationships with his family.

Christmas day 2008.  Since my mother left, I have gone to my father’s house to visit him and my brother and sister, and also to cook dinner (the one year that my dad tried to cook it ended in disaster).  As always, my dad was hideously drunk by 3pm, caused an arguement with my 20 year old brother, where he became physically abusive (picking up a baseball bat at one point – although I managed to disarm him), and verbally abusive towards my younger sister (18).  He was threatening and I honestly felt that my younger brother and sister might be at risk, so I took them to my house (an hour and half drive away) where they stayed for a couple of nights.  That was Christmas.

Christmas 2007 and Christmas 2006 went more or less the same way in terms of his drinking, but this was the first time I had felt threatened by my father. 

And as usual, come Boxing Day when I called him to ‘tell him off’, he was his usual apologetic self – he was sorry and couldn’t really remember what he had done. 

Now, you may think that this post is written in a very factual way – believe me, there is a lot of emotion behind this, but not having lived with my father since I was 17, I perhaps find it easier to take an observer’s viewpoint, and to be a bit more objective than perhaps I could be if I was there everyday.  I am also treating this blog as a form of therapy in a way, as well as a day to day diary of my musings and recipes.

I am very aware that he is very depressed – being made redundant last year, and with his health problems (he is very overweight), and lack of education and training limiting his employment options has not helped this.  Because of his violent temper exaserbated by the drinking he has isolated himself from friends and family and as a result is lonely.

So he drinks.  And so the circle continues.  I am concerned not only for his mental health, but also for the mental health of my younger brother and sister who still live with him.

Believe me when I say I have tried to help.  My mother also suffered from alcohol addiction when I was younger, which changed her as a person into something hideous.  I was with her for most of this period and so have the experience necessary!  Eventually, sadly after burning many bridges,  she finally admitted she had a problem, attended treatment and counselling and changed her life around.

I have helped my father with job application forms, have written him healthy eating plans, have cajoled him, have had stern words with him, and have been there to listen to him.   But I am also very aware that I cannot help him any further until he admits he has a problem.  

I’m hoping that this day will come sooner rather than later, when he can has a chance to save his life.  I’ll keep this blog updated with progress, but if anyone reading this blog post has any advice I would be very happy to hear it.