Bleurgh-ness & Broken Minds…

I’ve been a bad and lazy blogger of late.  Not that I was ever a good blogger of course, but you know what I mean.  I haven’t been updating very much, but in my defense I haven’t been feeling great.

I seem to have been caught in the grip of a weird lethargic, debilitating depressive state recently..which is very unlike me.  Of course, I’m prone to the odd miserable mood swing just like everybody else, but I’ve never been someone that could actually be described as a ‘depressive’ or who has had any notable mental health problems before.  However, over the past few weeks I’ve been feeling progressively miserable, weird and…well…bleurgh.

It’s a weird and slightly frightening feeling.  I’ve been feeling continually spaced out – in a sort of dream like state, where my concentration levels are low, and I’m lethargic and tired all the time.  I feel very down, in a kind of ‘everything is futile way’, and have been tearful and antisocial (not wanting to see friends / family).  Alongside this, I can’t seem to get up the enthusiasm for anything, and I’ve had mood swings.  Bad moods swings, that swing (like meat cleaver being wielded by a psychopath) between irritation / anger with other people to intense feelings of self loathing.  I also feel like I have constant low blood sugar, and have been self medicating often (too often) with chocolate.    There are several things that I think could be a cause of these feelings…

• Giving up smoking (again) – Since I quit last year, in the last 6 months I managed to get myself back into the habit of not smoking from Monday to Friday, and only smoking when I was out for a drink (i.e a Friday or Saturday night).  Eleven days ago – along with a friend of mine who also wanted to quit smoking – I decided to pack even this in for good…so perhaps nicotine withdrawal is a contributing factor to the way I’m feeling?
• PCOS – a few years ago I was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome, a hormonal imbalance / pre-diabetic condition.  I’m wondering if the mood swings / low blood sugar / tiredness is related?
• Going back on the pill – a couple of weeks ago I decided to go back onto the Cilest pill (this can mask some of the symptoms of PCOS).  However, thanks to the medium of Google I’ve been reading several forums where people have been complaining of incidents where taking Cilest has caused feelings of anxiety and depression.  So perhaps it’s this?
• I’ve actually gone mad. This is also a plausible explanation.

However, not having any medical or psychological knowledge (apparently the Brownies First Aid badge I achieved at 8 years of age doesn’t count as a medical qualification), I can’t say for certain what is causing me to feel like this.  But at nearly 3 weeks of steadily increasingly, worsening symptoms it’s time for me to seek professional help in the form of a Dr’s appointment tomorrow morning.

I know it’s bad when I’m actually at the Drs, as usually I leave a visit to a doctor until the last minute – when I’ve actually got something hanging off or something is definitely broken.

But when it’s my mind that appears to be broken, I can’t put it off any longer…

I’ll update with diagnosis shortly.  Unless of course I’m carted off to a lunatic asylum in the meantime.

My Dad and His Heart

This morning I received a call from my dad saying that he is being referred to a heart specialist by his Dr.

Is it because he is overweight, is it because of his bad diet, it it because he is both depressed and stressed, or is it because of years of alcohol abuse?  Most likely a combination of all of the above.

I get angry with my dad.  For his alcoholism.  For when he acts unthinkingly.  For when he doesn’t care about his health.  For when he is racist, bigoted and generally angry at the world.

But I love my dad.  No matter what he has done or his attitude sometimes, I could never really truly dislike the person who brought me a kitten ‘because I wanted one’ when I was a little girl. 

Or who, (alongside my mother) never bought himself new clothes when me and my siblings were young – because they didn’t have much money and we needed new clothes more. 

Or who, used to turn up on my door step with food parcels when I first moved out of home and had no money.  

My dad called me this morning, not for sympathy (he would never want that) but because he was angry and scared.   Everyone knows that drinking in excess is bad for you – but until a medical expert tells you that the damage is done I think most people have the ‘it won’t happen to me’ attitude.  At least, I think that generalisation is applicable for my father.   I just feel really sad that it has come to this – he is, after all, a relatively young man at 58. 

I think he is angry at himself, after all he is an adult and he knows what he knows what he has to do – he needs to eat healthily, lose the excess weight, and quit the beer.  Recommendations his Dr has been making for years.  He is already on pills for his arthritis, painkillers for his sciatica, tablets for his cholesteral and beta blockers for his heart.  He literally rattles when he walks.

I suppose now it’s simply a matter of ‘see what happens next’ in regards to what the heart specialists advises – and hope that he heeds the advice.

Day Three of Giving Up Smoking…

So today is day three of giving up smoking.  I always associate the third day as the hardest one in regards to physical side effects.  So what are my symptoms of recovery today?

• Irritating cough.  The cough is still here…its tickly, its irritating, and finally I’m starting to cough up some nasty bits
• Runny nose.  This might not be an actual symptom of not smoking (I think I may just have a cold) but I’m listing it here anyway.
• Sore throat.  The coughing isn’t helping.  Read more about cold symptoms when you quit smoking
• Self pity.  If possible, I may actually be feeling more pitiful than yesterday.
• Depression.  Ok, not medically, but I’m feeling really low today.  This links well with the feeling of self pity.
• C-O-N-S-T-I-P-A-T-E-D.  I’ll spare you the details on that one.   Read more about depression, and constipation when you quit smoking
• Weird taste in my mouth.  Almost like I can still taste cigarettes.  Its odd – slightly metallic.
• The smell of burning in my nose.  I’ve trawled the internet for a reason for this, and can’t find one (other than it can be a symptom for a stroke or heart attack – which really isn’t the case here!)

But on the plus side…

According to this Daily Mail article nicotine leaves your body after 48 hours, which is possibly why I have always found that the physical withdrawal symptoms peak on day 3, but subside gradually after that.

I can also safely say that the cough and the sore throat mean that I am not really considering smoking anyway.

And finally, I am feeling pretty good about myself – being smug and self satisfied is such an unattractive character trait, but today I feel worth it.  After all, nicotine is harder to kick than heroin, so why shouldn’t I be patting myself on the back?

So after today it will get easier. Really, what are 3 days of feeling a bit rubbish compared to a lifetime of feeling a lot better?

And if you are thinking of quitting, this site has a useful quit plan function.  Start a Quit Plan >>>

More reasons to quit drinking…or at least cut down

I have been thinking alot about my decision to give up drinking (for a bit) and smoking (forever).  Its going to be a real lifestyle change for me, but its helping for me to re-examine my reasons for quitting alcohol in particular.  And the more I soul search, the more I realise that this epiphany is long overdue.

Let me explain.  In one of my previous posts, I said that drinking hadn’t had a huge effect on me…(and I quote)

“…its not because alcohol has a very adverse effect on me – ok I may talk a bit more rubbish than normal when I’ve had a few drinks – but I have never become aggressive or maudlin or antisocial…”

That is actually a lie.

The amount of times I have caused an argument with someone (usually boyfriend) because I had been drinking and the amount of times I have been drunk and maudlin, means I would be a liar (or a girt great fibber in V-speak) if I didn’t publicly retract that statement.

Please don’t misunderstand me…I’ve had lots of good times on alcohol, lots of laughs, lots of fun and many more good times than I’ve had bad times.  But when bad times have happened –  they have been bad.

I’m remembering the time that got lost in London on New Years Eve about 5 years ago, so drunk that had I been attacked I would not have been able to identify my attackers.  Luckily, I got home ok that night, having taken got a taxi home that night at a cost of £100 that I could not afford.

I’m also remembering the time I had a row with a close friend, and all those times that I fell over, pulled a random, threw up, or missed work because of a hangover.

Alcohol is mood altering, and I think alcohol in general makes me feel down – not necessarily at the time of drinking, but in the days following.  I am fairly susceptible to feeling depressed (not the same as having depression can I add) which can make me act selfishly, self destructively, and hurt people who have cared for me.  Perhaps alcohol doesn’t cause this but I know for a fact that it doesn’t help it.

Please don’t get me wrong – I am not saying that I am very different from a lot of people my age who go out drinking on a regular basis – everyone I know has at least one ‘drunken tale’ to tell, whether that being a one night stand they regret, passing out somewhere inconvenient, being arrested etc etc.  (If you are reading this post from somewhere abroad you might be a bit shocked by the UK’s drinking culture – these are all normal occurrences for a lot of people).

What I am saying is that if I carry on the way I have been drinking recently (see previous post) I think I will end up with a problem.  At some point drinking stops being a bit of fun, and becomes an issue.  It took losing everything for my mum to figure that one out.

I am an alcoholic and I need help

I’m not actually an alcoholic.  My father is.  But these are the words that I have been waiting for him to say.

Let me tell you a little bit about my father – he is in his mid-50’s and slowly killing himself.  His excessive alcohol abuse is damaging his health – he is chronically obese, sufferes from gout, high blood pressure and has been diagnosed with diabetes.  He is also damaging his relationships with his family.

Christmas day 2008.  Since my mother left, I have gone to my father’s house to visit him and my brother and sister, and also to cook dinner (the one year that my dad tried to cook it ended in disaster).  As always, my dad was hideously drunk by 3pm, caused an arguement with my 20 year old brother, where he became physically abusive (picking up a baseball bat at one point – although I managed to disarm him), and verbally abusive towards my younger sister (18).  He was threatening and I honestly felt that my younger brother and sister might be at risk, so I took them to my house (an hour and half drive away) where they stayed for a couple of nights.  That was Christmas.

Christmas 2007 and Christmas 2006 went more or less the same way in terms of his drinking, but this was the first time I had felt threatened by my father. 

And as usual, come Boxing Day when I called him to ‘tell him off’, he was his usual apologetic self – he was sorry and couldn’t really remember what he had done. 

Now, you may think that this post is written in a very factual way – believe me, there is a lot of emotion behind this, but not having lived with my father since I was 17, I perhaps find it easier to take an observer’s viewpoint, and to be a bit more objective than perhaps I could be if I was there everyday.  I am also treating this blog as a form of therapy in a way, as well as a day to day diary of my musings and recipes.

I am very aware that he is very depressed – being made redundant last year, and with his health problems (he is very overweight), and lack of education and training limiting his employment options has not helped this.  Because of his violent temper exaserbated by the drinking he has isolated himself from friends and family and as a result is lonely.

So he drinks.  And so the circle continues.  I am concerned not only for his mental health, but also for the mental health of my younger brother and sister who still live with him.

Believe me when I say I have tried to help.  My mother also suffered from alcohol addiction when I was younger, which changed her as a person into something hideous.  I was with her for most of this period and so have the experience necessary!  Eventually, sadly after burning many bridges,  she finally admitted she had a problem, attended treatment and counselling and changed her life around.

I have helped my father with job application forms, have written him healthy eating plans, have cajoled him, have had stern words with him, and have been there to listen to him.   But I am also very aware that I cannot help him any further until he admits he has a problem.  

I’m hoping that this day will come sooner rather than later, when he can has a chance to save his life.  I’ll keep this blog updated with progress, but if anyone reading this blog post has any advice I would be very happy to hear it.