Posts Tagged ‘Morrissey’
My Ideal Man – or – Why I am holding out for Morrissey
I was recently asked by a friend what my ‘ideal’ man would be like. I was also told by the same friend that my token response of ‘like Morrissey’ couldn’t be accepted, and that I had to tell them specific characteristics. I suppose I had never really thought about whether I had an ‘ideal’ man before – I suppose previously I just ‘liked’ who I ‘liked’. But, having been posed the question, I decided to give it some serious thought. So here it is:
My Ideal Man. By Laura. Aged 27.
I suppose my ideal man would have to be a little eccentric. I’m not at all turned on my normality (what’s normal anyway?), but then again, I wouldn’t want someone to be so eccentric that they were bordering on lunatic. My ideal man would not care too much what other people thought of them, yet not to extent that they forgo bodily hygiene, or to clothe themselves etc.
A good sense of humour is very important in a man I think. What I mean by ‘good’ sense of humour is someone who laughs at my rubbish jokes, and knows how makes me laugh. I like a man who doesn’t take himself too seriously, yet…can sometimes take himself somewhat seriously. After all I like a man to be intellectual, and like nothing more than to be able to debate existentialism or the philosophies of Nietzsche. But then again, I also like to talk about Eastenders, and the weather, so I wouldn’t really like to a man to be too intelligent either. Or arrogant. Sure of himself but not arrogant.
I also quite like a man to be a ‘manly’ man. That is, someone who knows how to pick up things that are heavy, can fix things like taps, can put up shelves, aren’t afraid of the dead things that Smelly Cat brings in sometimes, and could have a fight if he really wanted to. Yet, I don’t like a man to be so ‘manly’ that they are the missing link – all testosterone and muscles – that just makes me feel a little sick. Conversely however, I like reflective, artistic men. I’m endlessly impressed by creativity, whether that be painting, writing, playing an instrument. Poetic and interesting are ace.
I quite like thin men to look at – the angular the better, but feel uncomfortable getting down to business with a man who is slimmer than me. I also quite like men with a bit of meat on their bones you see for the very reason that they tend to be more attractive than thin men. I don’t like a man who looks like he has never had a good meal (of course ideal man would also need to be able to cook, but only food that I like mainly) Pale is interesting. My height or taller – but not freakishly tall like a giant.
My ideal man would also have good hair – ‘good’ as defined by me of course. Short or long, black or blonde, mohawk or skinhead, it doesn’t matter as long as it is good hair. Bad hair would include comb-overs, friar-tuck bald patches, and the mullet.
I have always been slightly attracted to older men, but not that much older. My side of 40 please. Scrap that – I’ve been there and got the t-shirt – I’ll keep them my side of 35 please. (Unless of course Morrissey asked me for a date, and then I’d make an exception). I also quite like men with furniture faces – i.e. wear glasses – as I believe glasses make a man look intellectual. Contact lense wearers are ok too – I’m just a little uncomfortable with 20/20 vision in a man, being that I am blind as a bat myself.
I’m not keen on men who are money / status orientated, as I’m not that way myself I find it all very nauseating. In fact, the poorer the better in my book. Although, not so poor that I have to buy them food of course. That would be irritating. Sort of middle ground poverty, if there is such a thing would be ideal. Time & experience rich but money & assets poor. I like that. People who have ‘careers’ in banks/civil service/accountancy/actuarial services just don’t appeal. Good on them and all that but I’d rather a painter with holes in his shoes than a city boy with a hefty bank balance.
I also quite like a man with tattoos, but only ‘good’ ones – ‘good’ being as defined by me on the day. But then I like a man without tattoos also. Tattoos optional I think. My ideal man would also not have an addiction to (or perversion with) any of the following: hard drugs, hard women, animals, kids, porn, feet, football, sild or booze.
I also like a man to make me feel good about myself. Complimentary but not sycophantic – i.e. can say the right things but also take the mickey a little. And who isn’t a creep…
…or in fact a stalker. I like a man who will give me the space to do the things that I like to do, yet will come running on demand. Actually, perhaps not on demand, as that would put him back into creep status. But someone who is there at all the right times.
And obviously, I wouldn’t like a man who was a murderer or any other sort of moral degenerate either. But I think that goes without saying really.
So in a nutshell my ideal man is someone who:
- Is not too tall but not short
- Is funny but serious
- Is intellectual but not too intellectual
- Is slim but stocky
- Is interesting and poetic
- Is manly and artistic
- Is complimentary but not sycophantic
- Wears glasses or contact lenses
- Tattooed or not tattooed
- Is eccentric but not lunatic
- Is older but not too old
- Can cook the things that I like to eat
- Isn’t a creep or a stalker
- Has good hair (as defined by me on the day)
- Isn’t a pervert
- Isn’t a murderer
When put like that…I think I’m better off holding out for Morrissey…
Such a little thing makes a big difference!
Ah Morrissey…so melodramatic!
After being hit by a cup of beer at a recent gig in Liverpool, the melancholic old soul stormed off stage and refused to return. Ok, it’s probably not very nice being hit with a cup of beer, but really – be a professional Stephen!
Here is a picture of the moment of impact (you shouldn’t laugh really, but it is quite funny):
Song of the Week: Redondo Beach
You know when you just have to listen to a song over and over again?
Well my ‘most replayed’ song of the week is Redondo Beach by Morrissey.
Originally recorded by Patti Smith, this song tells the tale of a how, following an argument between two people, the (girl?)friend commits suicide on Redondo Beach.
Nope, not the happiest number, but it has a lovely tune.
Listen below – or just look at the pictures of the beautiful Morrissey!
My Life According to Morrissey
This silly quiz has been doing the rounds, so thought I would share here!
Using only song names from one artist, answer the following questions. You can’t use the same band as I do, and can’t repeat a song title.
Pick your Artist: Morrissey (naturally)
Are you a male or female? Girl Least Likely To
Describe yourself: Maladjusted
How do you feel: Something is Squeezing my Skull
Describe where you currently live: London
If you could go anywhere, where would you go?: America
Your favourite form of transportation: Driving Your Girlfriend Home
You and your best friends are: Theres a Place in Hell for Me and My Friends
What’s the weather like: Black Cloud
Favourite time of day: Late Night, Maudlin Street
If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: I Don’t Mind if you Forget Me
What is life to you: Life is a Pigsty
Your relationship: I am Hated for Loving
Your fear: One Day Goodbye will be Farewell
What is the best advice you have to give: Sorrow Will Come in the End
Thought for the Day: Sorry Doesn’t Help
How I would like to die: Lifeguard Sleeping, Girl Drowning
My soul’s present condition: I’m Ok by Myself
My motto: Such a Little Thing Makes a Big Difference
Wow, my life is incredibly depressing according to Morrissey.
Your turn! Feel free to post your answers here or add the link to your own blog 🙂
It’s not your birthday anymore…
…and the will to see you smile and belong has now gone
Gratuitous use of Morrissey lyrics first thing on a Saturday morning…but quite appropriate I think.
Yesterday was my birthday, and I got some lovely gifts including some home made jewellery, a voucher towards a new tattoo, and bizarrely, a Morrissey & The Smiths location guide (and no – the gift giver hadn’t read my previous postabout Morrissey-Fan randomness!)
Last night, I was hoping to be taken out for a lovely meal but instead was taken to a local pub where we ended up talking to a couple of randoms and getting a take away pizza on the way home. Now I’m not someone who gets ideas above their station. I don’t have unnecessarily high expectations – indeed I don’t get ‘taken out’ for meals as a general rule. I’m not so maladjusted that I can’t come to terms with this – but on my birthday is it wrong to expect to be treated to something more than a substandard take away pizza?
On the plus side though (and there is always a plus side), I have discovered that getting drunk on pimms doesn’t leave me with a hangover. Good times.
Anyway, I’m not planning to be a petulant child about this…V still has the chance today to pull something out of the bag. Perhaps lunch? Perhaps dinner? Although already this morning he has already uttered the words ‘FA Cup Final at the pub’. I’m really hoping this is some sort of joke…at least it needs to be if he wants to keep is genitalia in the general vicinity of his body.
But I need to be honest – the reason for my massive ‘grump’ this morning isn’t really about the pizza. It isn’t even really about the lack of dinner last night. And while I would probably prefer to knit my own intestines into a sweater than sit in a stuffy pub on such a beautiful day to watch the FA Cup Final, it isn’t really about that either. The truth of the matter is this:
Morrissey has cancelled his gig tonight
Yes apparently he has a sore throat. The work-shy bastard.
Like a badly made souffle, I feel deflated. Morrissey, I don’t care if you are ‘still ill’ – I was really looking forward to this gig, and now I have to find something else to do.
Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now…
Indeed
How to be the Ultimate Morrissey Fan
Today is a special anniversary. Yes. Morrissey’s birthday.
It has been over 30 years since he leapt into our collective consciousness with his band The Smiths – influencing moody teenagers everywhere to become even more moodier and belligerent.
At 50 years of age, Morrissey is almost a parody of himself – but you still have to love him (note: you don’t just ‘like’ Morrissey, you ‘love’ Morrissey).
There are varying degrees of Morrissey obsession (or “Mozza Mania” as I like to call it), so how do you know if someone is a real fan of the Pope of Mope or just a fair weather ’emo’ wanting a piece of the ‘tortured artist’ pie?
Is being a Morrissey fan “…just something you are, or something you do…?” Well, to help make this decision, I have compiled my essential guide to being a bona fina Morrissey fan. Judge for yourself.
1 : A True Fan will Know Everything there is to Know About Morrissey
Essential first step to being a serious Morrissey fan is to know your stuff. Its simply not enough to be able to name a couple of albums and know that he is a vegetarian.
A true fan will know all essential information – and this includes learning by rote every song lyric and release date of each album / LP.
Essential resource: Morrissey’s Website for all facts and news regarding the quiffed one.
2 : A True Fan will be a Vegetarian
No ifs or buts. Meat is Murder. And if you are allergic to vegetables or fruit, starvation is an acceptable alternative.
3 : A Real Morrissey Fan will Wear Morrissey
“I would go out tonight…but I haven’t got a stitch to wear” is not relevant to a true fan. A Morrissey t-shirt or a Smiths t-shirt is essential wear. And if you cannot afford to buy one, just make your own like these dedicated deciples.
A true fan will not limit their obsession to badly made t-shirts – but will branch out into other accessories such as laptop cases and belts too.
Remember, its impossible to completely emulate the style genius himself, but a true fan will try. An ’emo’ or ‘Mozza Fan Faker’ will think that Jarvis Cocker made NHS specs and cardigans cool. This is not so – a real fan knows that Morrissey was setting the trend when Jarvis was still getting his head flushed down the loo at school.
Any faker can go get a quiff, buy the glasses, and wear skinny jeans, but a real fan will also have an old bike and have some gladioli hanging out their back pocket as well.
4 : A True Fan will have a Shrine to the Quiffed One
No self respecting Morrissey fan hasn’t drawn a picture of the beauty that is Stephen M. So don’t be shy – share your crazed scribblings with the rest of the fan base – even if it is drawn in blood. (As you can see by some of the pictures here on “Draw Morrissey” lack of skill can be make up for by enthusiasm) And once finished, why not mount your picture in a hand crafted aluminium frame?
5 : A True Fan will Eat Morrissey
Take inspiration from these gutsy fans who have taken obsession to the next level with their MozCakes, allowing them to literally eat Morrissey.
6 : A True Fan will Sleep Morrissey
“Sing me to sleep…I’m tired and I want to go to bed” Yes, this Smiths Pillow Cover is an essential buy for the “die-hard” fan.
A true Morrissey fan will obviously shun all human affection, but cuddling up to a Morrissey Doll is an allowable alternative.
7: A True Fan will know Everything There is to Know about The Smiths
Because a real fan will never know when they may enter a conversation with another fan who may know more about the subject of The Smiths than they do. Key points to remember at all times are: Morrissey is God and Johnny Marr isn’t (although he is a good guitarist) Essential resource: The Smiths Fansite
8 : A True Fan will Know What Others are Saying about the Man
Mad About Morrissey ? All fans of Morrissey profess to be experts of the ‘great one’ – but who can really claim to know him? A real fan will make sure they keep on top of fellow fans obsessive rants
9 : A Real Fan will Protect Morrissey to the Death
Know your enemy– not everyone appreciates the wonder of Morrissey and The Smiths. A truly dedicated follower will research enemies of Moz and make sure they leave poignant comments on their blog posts, and stick pins into homemade voodoo dolls of the heretics.
10 : A True Fan will Celebrate Morrissey
Finally, its just not true that all Morrissey fans sit in dark rooms writing poetry (at least not all the time!)
A real fan will get out there and celebrate their love for the man himself by putting Morrisey tracks on pub juke boxes, going along to a tribute gig, taking part in a Smiths Tour, attending a Morrissey night club or seeing the ‘great one’ live in concert. (or if you are a ‘Sweet and Tender Hooligan’ why not get some ink done)
25 Random Things About Me
This is one of those chain things that come round every now and then…and in the absence of anything interesting to say today, I thought I would post my answers here. I’m realised on completion that I’m actually quite a dull person!
25 Random Things About Me:
1. I ran the London marathon 3 years ago
2. One of my favourite books ever is Catch 22.
3. I cry every time I watch The Green Mile
4. The first pets I had were a cat called “Scampi” and a gerbils called “Bastard” and “mum”
5. I have a fear of Bill Oddie, Gary Bushell, and sild.
6. By the end of 2010 I want to climb Mount Kilimanjaro
7. My nose was broken at Rage (a nightclub) when it was at Zinc bar many years ago by some twat who bumped into me. With his head.
8. I have very bad eyesight, but always wear contact lenses
9. I would one day like to work as a counsellor
10. I once had a pet duck. Called “duck”. I was a very unimaginative child.
11. I passed my driving license second attempt
12. I once broke my toe jumping into the shallow end of a swimming pool. Ouch.
13. When I was little I wanted to be a pony when I grew up
14. The worst job I ever had was working in a meat packing factory whilst at college
15. When I was 7 I won an Essex poetry competition, and the prize was books for my school, plus going with the other winners on a nature walk with David Bellamy. Oh yes.
16. I love sleeping
17. When I was 8 years old I was sent home from school sick for eating grass (see number 13)
18. I hate smug people and bigoted people.
19. I have been accused of having a Morrissey-God fixation. It’s probably true.
20. When I was 12 I walked headfirst into a lampost and broke my glasses
21. I went to a party last year that was crashed by Daryl Hannah. Fact.
22. I want to live in France one day
23. I have had 5 operations on my eye to correct a squint.
24. I have no middle name…but would like to have one – suggestions please!
25. I don’t have 25 interesting things to say about myself
Maladjusted? 
